The Most Important Question

The most important question in life that you need to answer is…

What do you want?

It’s a seemingly simple, straightforward question…

But do you know what you really want? 

Not what your parents, significant other, kids, boss, coworkers, friends, or society at large wants for you…

What do you want?

Unfortunately, most people don’t have an answer because they don’t truly know…

There are so many influencing factors in life that get in our mind and tell us what we should want to live a happy life… 

But none of that matters, because only you can take a deep dive inward and figure out what it is that you truly want.

Knowing what you want is the first and most important step in creating a better future. 

So how do you figure out what you want?

First, let us take a look at where wants originate. 

Every human want is backed by an emotional need. Emotional needs are feelings or conditions we need to feel happy, fulfilled, or at peace. Without them, we may feel anxious, unfulfilled, and dissatisfied. 

Everyone has their own unique set of emotional needs, which may be the product of your upbringing, your environment, your genetic predisposition, your identity, and other individual factors.

There are nine “universal needs” that every want or desire can be traced back upon…

Sustenance

These are the foundational needs for survival: shelter, food, water, clothing, etc. 

Safety

We all need a safe environment that enables us to lead our lives without experiencing undue fear and one that allows us to develop our fullest potential. 

Love

The desire for love, and all the forms it comes in— affection, devotion, friendship, attachment, and involvement— runs deep through all of us. 

Understanding

We all want to feel seen, heard, and understood. This need caters toward feelings of empathy, appreciation, warmth, insight, and compassion.

Creation

Deep down, we all want to express our personal creativity, to show the world our true and original selves. 

Recreation

The need for recreation brings fun and joy into life. We all need time to adventure, play, and experience new things, and we also need time to calm down, rest, and find peace. 

Belonging

We are social creatures, and our brain is a social organ. We need to feel connected to our tribe. The need for belonging comes in many forms, such as having a sense of belonging in your community, being accepted by others, experiencing friendship, sharing love, being shown affection and intimacy, and feeling connected with who you truly are.

Autonomy

We all have a need to feel like we have the power to exist autonomously and to direct our own lives. No one wants to feel confined, be it physically or mentally. We all desire unfettered experience, independence, and spontaneity.  

Meaning

We all need to have the sense that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. We need to have a coherent set of beliefs about life and what it’s all for. This need caters toward feelings of creation, contribution, hope, inspiration, and purpose.

You may start by looking at the nine “universal needs” and asking yourself if one of your fundamental, basic needs isn’t being met. 

Most people have the first two needs met… In America, most people have access to food, water, shelter, and a relatively safe environment. If you don’t, you definitely want to address these needs first.

However, there’s a good chance that at least one of the remaining seven needs is not being met for you. 

For example, if you feel like your life lacks autonomy, maybe you need to have an honest conversation with your boss, partner, or family about where you need to have more control or clearer boundaries. 

Or maybe you feel like your life lacks connection. In that case, make it a priority to spend time with your friends or even make new ones. Schedule time for connection on your calendar—it takes intentional effort. 

If delving into the nine “universal needs” doesn’t resonate with you, another place to start may be defining what you don’t want. 

Most people have a good idea of what they don’t want in life. We look around and see all the terrible things happening in the world, and we realize we don’t want war, poverty, or sickness. We also know when something doesn’t feel right, such as a nagging boss, an unsupportive spouse, bratty children, or money that always seems to disappear. 

If you can identify the things you don’t want in life, figuring out what you do want is well within your reach. To perceive anything, there must be a contrast between the two states. To know that something is unwanted, we must know that something else is wanted instead. One serves as the reference point for the other. 

For example, we could not identify the wanted state of happiness if we did not know what it was like to experience the unwanted state of being unhappy. The reason you can identify what you don’t want is that you are aware some other, preferable state exists, otherwise you wouldn’t know it was unwanted. You simply have to give more of your attention to the wanted state and give it some clarity.

Once you have identified what you don’t want, ask yourself: What would I like to see instead?

Examples:

• I don’t want to live in a city.

• I want to live somewhere with a slower pace, like the country. 

• I don’t want a partner who doesn’t appreciate me.

• I want a partner who adores me and treats me with respect. 

• I don’t want to work at this lousy job.

• I want a job that stimulates me intellectually and allows me to be creative. 

Another way to determine what you want is to take some time to brainstorm all the things that are important to you. You may take some time to write out a Personal Mission Statement or a set of Personal Core Values. Then, filter all actions through these documents.

It’s important to note that deciding what you want today does not mean that you cannot change your mind tomorrow. Oftentimes, we think we want something, but as we find out more about it, we change our minds. Consider this a success—not a failure—you are one step closer to figuring out what it is that you truly want. 

Also, keep in mind there is no final destination in life. Every time you obtain something you want, you have a new perspective from which to see other possibilities. Choosing something you want doesn’t mean you give up all other possibilities; it means you open the door to possibilities you didn’t know existed.

The bottom line is, figuring out what you want is the best way to gain clarity with regards to your life. Having this figured out will positively influence the decisions you make and the actions you take on a daily basis, and it will ultimately allow you to live a life that feels like it is true to who you really are.